BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.