When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?