Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.