*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
How to make infinite energy.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.