1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
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*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.