I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.