[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Meowchelangelo