[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.