What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk