There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Kid: Mom! Weβre out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok Iβll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
smh
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Iβm chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay π
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay π
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
ME: iβm gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus