“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
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Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!