DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Penguins walking in 5x speed
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.