Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Ladies, why y’all do this?