As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
23. the denim jacket
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
bears
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me