Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
How animals would run if they were human
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
This could be us… but you playing
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.