toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
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I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word