I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
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good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe