“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
so i’m at the stock market right
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.