I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic