[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
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A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.