Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My love language is deader than Latin
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
what the
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”