You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Alexa: *deep breath*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
LOL
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.