Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Boating season is upon us.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
🖤✌🏽
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.