Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.