*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh