my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
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your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
BRAKING NEWS!!