The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
🤭😂
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.