The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
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Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The news
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.