I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.