I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
🍛
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Who knew!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out