Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
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Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
was Jim off killing horses or…
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
You deplete me
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Holy crap this is wonderful
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Why font matters.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.