Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw