I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context