If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.