Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”