turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
You Might Also Like
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
waiting for halloween be like:
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Saw your ex at the shops
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.