Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
You Might Also Like
He-man has a Masters degree
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.