Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
You Might Also Like
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”