Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?