What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]