*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
You Might Also Like
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Called it
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.