convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Steam Forums
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.