“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
How do you milk an almond?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
12. I think about this all the damn time
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”