I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
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cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello