Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.