Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
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Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.