[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
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This story is comedy gold 😂
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Meow?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.