*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
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Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.