[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Here’s a meme
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Our lord and savoury.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”