Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
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This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.